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A pantheon for monotheists
From the Wall Street Journal's OpinionJournal web site:
A Pantheon for Monotheists We called yesterday for new conceptions of God, to add to the four cited in a Baylor University study, and you did not disappoint. Here's a full list. The first four are Baylor's, the next three are ours from yesterday, and the rest are new:
Authoritarian God. Angry at earthly sin and willing to inflict divine retribution.
Distant God. A faceless, cosmic force that launched the world but leaves it alone.
Benevolent God. Sets absolute standards for man, but is also forgiving--engaged but not so angry.
Critical God. The classic bearded old man, judgmental but not going to intervene or punish.
Totalitarian God. He is everywhere, and he is watching you.
Multitasking God. Answers prayers by phone, fax and BlackBerry, all at the same time.
Noncommittal God. Loves his children, but isn't "in love" with them.
Passive-aggressive God. "Go ahead, sin if you want to. Don't worry about my wrath."
Obsessive-compulsive God. Washes his hands of us hundreds of times a day.
Narcissistic God. Worships himself.
Codependent God. Enables us to sin so that we'll need him.
Dyslexic God. "For he so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Puppy . . ."
Hypothermic God. "Many are cold, but few are frozen."
Hippocratic God. So powerful, he thinks he's a doctor.
Jewish mother God. "My children--I gave them life, but do they pray?"
Common-law God. Since the beginning of time has assumed sole responsibility for Godlike acts, but has not legally been established as "God."
Customer service God. "Press 1 for the Father, 2 for the Son, 3 for the Holy Spirit."
Unitarian God. Nice enough guy, but doesn't really seem to believe in himself.
Progressive God. Has outgrown the simplistic belief in his own literal existence, considers himself spiritual but not religious.
Liberal God. Commands man to "be fruitless and divide"; is completely self-absorbed yet doesn't believe in himself; wants you to stop sinning but doesn't have an alternative; can't stop yelling, "Satan lied, people died!"
Peace activist God. He's sending you to hell, but he supports the sinners!
Cindy Sheehan God. Wants George W. Bush to tell him what "noble cause" his Son died for.
Darwinian God. Possessed of an exquisite set of irony, he has divided mankind into two groups: those who believe that the most powerful biological force is the tendency of a population to be dominated by its most quickly reproducing members, and those who are actually reproducing.
Planned Parenthood God. One Child is enough.
New York Times God. Is angry only when people question the accuracy of his publication or his wisdom in divulging secret plans devised in the hearts of men.
Reuters God. "One God's terrorist is another's freedom fighter."
Rush Limbaugh God. "Talent on loan from me."
Hippie God. Must have been on something when he created the world.
United Nations God. Reaffirming that you are a sinner, he calls upon you to repent and decides to remain actively seized of this matter. If you ignore his call to repent, he will call upon you to repent again.
CIA God. Knows everything, but lacks the resources to process and analyze it.
George W. Bush God. Responsible only for evil.
Sports God. Similar to Distant God, but occasionally intervenes when a big play is needed.
Hertz Rent-a-God. He puts you in the driver's seat.
Avis Rent-a-God. He tries harder.
Enterprise Rent-a-God. He'll pick you up.
Visa God. He's everywhere you want him to be.
American Express God. Don't leave home without him.
Budweiser God. This God's for you.
Windows God. Plug and pray.
Google God. For those who are always searching.
Frugal God. Jesus saves.
Chairman God. Sets the agenda, but doesn't get involved in day-to-day operations.
Micromanager God. Not a sparrow falls but he needs a report on why, with guidance on what to do about it.
Soccer God. How about a pray date with his Son?
Schroedinger's God. Either exists or doesn't, and the act of looking changes the answer.
Hey guys what’s happening? I know it’s been a heck of a long time since I’ve posted anything, but quite frankly I’ve been real busy or also sometimes I just don’t have anything to say.
But you know there comes a time where u think of something that u just need to discuss. Like when something just pops into your head that hasn’t been talked about for a while but has been talked about a billion times before. Also I’ve changed my view since last time I talked about it. The topic is Gay Marriage, hahaha! I know you’re thinking I’m just pulling some old boring fossil from the Stone Age, but maybe not so.
Anyways, "what about gay marriage Pete?", "Its pretty much gay, and destroying the meaning of marriage.", and "Only Gay people think it’s cool." It’s immoral and It’s against my religion. "Jesus wouldn't like it."
Well, not everyone believes in Jesus. And I think we can all agree on that. And I think we can also all agree on that a human being no matter what race or gender has the right to believe or do what ever he/she wants too, as long as it does not come into harm or come into conflict with other human beings. I think there is something similar to what I just said in the constitution but correct me if I’m wrong.
And as far as gay marriage goes, who is it harming? No one. It’s not like abortion where I strongly believe that abortion is the killing of an innocent human fetus which is wrong and therefore coming into conflict with another human being and harming it; but that’s a whole different topic and discussion for another time and place.
Here's what I believe: if you gay people want to get married, go for it. Personally I don’t support it, I believe it’s wrong, and against the laws of nature or the way god made things. I mean you don't see male squirrels or male grasshoppers falling in love with each other, but then again, humans have one thing that squirrels and grasshoppers don’t have, and that is the power to reason. Humans are the only species on this planet to reason. Thank God for that! Just think if everything had that power to reason, were talking huge catastrophe! Anyways, that’s kinda off point. What I’m trying to say here is, that if gay people wanna do it with each other what effect does it have on me? None at all. Its hella weird, but everyone's different. I think its more wrong to not let them get married then it is to let them get married because u are denying gay people of there own God given right. I mean it is a free country, and gay people getting married do not seem to cross any lines or boundaries of abusing a free country in my mind, so what’s the big deal? You know? Who cares, or maybe its something for christian Traditionalists to wine about but I don't know.
Why do most people find it an offense when someone says, "what the hell?"
People say "what the devil" all the time, and no one seems to mind. After all, isn't the Devil and Hell directly and intimately related? Souls burn in Hell under the unsympathetic guidance of the Devil.
With that said, WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?WHAT THE HELL?
Upon recently reading through previous Blog Hogger posts, I noticed I forgot to mention an important birthday that occurred on August 13. That important birthday was mine.
Not like it's a big deal that it was my birthday. The only side effects of turning 15 aren't dramatic, unless you're me:
1. I get more ripping than I already am. 2. People take you more seriously, unless you're me, in which case they still see you as a joke. 3. I have an excuse to act excessively rebellious. 4. I finally have a chance with smoking hot girls. 5. I can easily manipulate younger kids because they think I'm "all that" due to the fact that I'm older, smarter, and better looking than them.
Just a few seconds ago, I was sitting down at my computer, when I thought to myself, "You know, the world's so dull and depressing right now. I think I'll write a post on myself to cheer everyone up."
So here I am.
Anyway, just a little update on what I'm doing in the world of the Internet:
TUMOR Yeah yeah yeah - I've rambled on about that enough. I'm basically done with the template, so I'll get around to posting that when I'm good and ready.
Ratubaworld.com I've recently been made an Admin for ratubaworld.com (thanks to Grant) and I'm also making a game under their name.
Zombie Smash - The game I'm making for Ratubaworld.com. I've got the intro clip done, and it's of epic proportions.
Planning articles for Tumor - For the most part, I don't really plan rants/articles I write. I usually just sit down at a computer and exaggerate my disdain for things that irritate me. However, I've got a couple of ideas floating around in my head that I'm kind of writing down, such as an explanation of why bears are so awesome, why Transformers are so awesome, and various movie/game reviews, ranging from The Hills Have Eyes, to Silent Hill, to Dead Rising.
Looking for money - Okay, so this isn't exactly internet related, but I'm going to say it anyway. I'm desperate for money right now. Here are the reasons:
1. Money makes me happy Just for the sake of having money. And I mean a good amount of it. I feel more secure when I have a lot of money. Girls like me more when I have money, which is an even greater incentive. 2. Guitar For the past few months, I've been borrowing my neighbor's electric guitar. Well, it's about time I got my own. Besides, the quicker I purchase my own guitar, the quicker I get to rock your face off with the devastating metal songs I've thought up. 3. Skateboard A month or two ago, I smashed my new board. Hence, I need a new board. How I am I supposed to irritate my neighbors if I don't have a means of generating noise on the sidewalk at 12:15 a.m? 4. Cloths/hats I need more beanies, more New-Era hats, more shirts, and better skate shoes. 5. Weed - How the Satan am I supposed to supply my dealer? 6. Bus Money - "bUt brIaN, itz only a few cents 4 da buss lol." It's still money that I don't have. Well, actually I do, but I take the bus a lot. Hence the need for currency.
I'm sure I could think of more reasons of why you should give me money, but I think the ones listed above will suffice.
(sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors I've made throughout this post. Actually, I'm not.)