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A pantheon for monotheists

 - Joe

From the Wall Street Journal's OpinionJournal web site:

A Pantheon for Monotheists
We called yesterday for new conceptions of God, to add to the four cited in a Baylor University study, and you did not disappoint. Here's a full list. The first four are Baylor's, the next three are ours from yesterday, and the rest are new:

Authoritarian God. Angry at earthly sin and willing to inflict divine retribution.

Distant God. A faceless, cosmic force that launched the world but leaves it alone.

Benevolent God. Sets absolute standards for man, but is also forgiving--engaged but not so angry.

Critical God. The classic bearded old man, judgmental but not going to intervene or punish.

Totalitarian God. He is everywhere, and he is watching you.

Multitasking God. Answers prayers by phone, fax and BlackBerry, all at the same time.

Noncommittal God. Loves his children, but isn't "in love" with them.

Passive-aggressive God. "Go ahead, sin if you want to. Don't worry about my wrath."

Obsessive-compulsive God. Washes his hands of us hundreds of times a day.

Narcissistic God. Worships himself.

Codependent God. Enables us to sin so that we'll need him.

Dyslexic God. "For he so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Puppy . . ."

Hypothermic God. "Many are cold, but few are frozen."

Hippocratic God. So powerful, he thinks he's a doctor.

Jewish mother God. "My children--I gave them life, but do they pray?"

Common-law God. Since the beginning of time has assumed sole responsibility for Godlike acts, but has not legally been established as "God."

Customer service God. "Press 1 for the Father, 2 for the Son, 3 for the Holy Spirit."

Unitarian God. Nice enough guy, but doesn't really seem to believe in himself.

Progressive God. Has outgrown the simplistic belief in his own literal existence, considers himself spiritual but not religious.

Liberal God. Commands man to "be fruitless and divide"; is completely self-absorbed yet doesn't believe in himself; wants you to stop sinning but doesn't have an alternative; can't stop yelling, "Satan lied, people died!"

Peace activist God. He's sending you to hell, but he supports the sinners!

Cindy Sheehan God. Wants George W. Bush to tell him what "noble cause" his Son died for.

Darwinian God. Possessed of an exquisite set of irony, he has divided mankind into two groups: those who believe that the most powerful biological force is the tendency of a population to be dominated by its most quickly reproducing members, and those who are actually reproducing.

Planned Parenthood God. One Child is enough.

New York Times God. Is angry only when people question the accuracy of his publication or his wisdom in divulging secret plans devised in the hearts of men.

Reuters God. "One God's terrorist is another's freedom fighter."

Rush Limbaugh God. "Talent on loan from me."

Hippie God. Must have been on something when he created the world.

United Nations God. Reaffirming that you are a sinner, he calls upon you to repent and decides to remain actively seized of this matter. If you ignore his call to repent, he will call upon you to repent again.

CIA God. Knows everything, but lacks the resources to process and analyze it.

George W. Bush God. Responsible only for evil.

Sports God. Similar to Distant God, but occasionally intervenes when a big play is needed.

Hertz Rent-a-God. He puts you in the driver's seat.

Avis Rent-a-God. He tries harder.

Enterprise Rent-a-God. He'll pick you up.

Visa God. He's everywhere you want him to be.

MasterGod. Priceless.

American Express God. Don't leave home without him.

Budweiser God. This God's for you.

Windows God. Plug and pray.

Google God. For those who are always searching.

Frugal God. Jesus saves.

Chairman God. Sets the agenda, but doesn't get involved in day-to-day operations.

Micromanager God. Not a sparrow falls but he needs a report on why, with guidance on what to do about it.

Soccer God. How about a pray date with his Son?

Schroedinger's God. Either exists or doesn't, and the act of looking changes the answer.


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