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"Madness? This is SPARTA!"

 - Brian

NOTE: Excuse me for grammatical/spelling errors -- I'm really tired and don't feel like checking for errors.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of seeing "300" with some friends.

BEST. MOVIE. EVER. Okay, so it certainly wasn't the best movie ever, but it was definitely the manliest. Seriously, this whole movie was powered solely by testosterone. It was awesome.

So here's a very brief review:
Review Key: Plot = overall premise; Awesomeness = explosions, blood, manliness; Eye Candy = "special" effects, babes, etc; Lingering Impressions = frame of mind after seeing film

PLOT: Big guys with big weapons fighting big enemies. If that isn't enough incentive to see the movie, then I don't want else to tell you. Basically, the entire movie is loosely based off the Battle of Thermopylae. However, I've been told it's very accurate to Frank Miller's graphic novel, if that makes any difference. My point is that this movie will thoroughly piss off ANY historian who happens to see it out of curiosity. Basically, everything in this movie is completely OVER-THE-TOP. That means 10,000 Spartans are 10,000,000 Spartans, the Persians are portrayed as sub-human orc-beings, and everybody contains 20x more quarts of blood than in reality. Those of you who see movies for the (*gasp*) plot should be forewarned: The overall premise of this movie is painfully simple. If you're like me and don't particularly take any interest in how complex and coherent a plot is, "300" shouldn't bother you at all.

Awesomeness: First off, everyone in this movie is ripped (not excluding women and children). The Spartans are rockin' 12-pack abs, red capes, loincloths, and pikes. No, "300" doesn't contain any homoerotic overtones; on the contrary, their uber-masculinity was intended to emphasize how powerful and glorious the Spartans were in contrast to their effeminate adversaries. In regards to sheer, unadulterated awesomeness, this movie takes the cake. Watching thousands of arrows cast a shadow on 300 men prior to pelting their shields is just plain awesome. To give you better feel for how awesome this movie was, picture this: A 40-foot wall consisting entirely of Persian corpses literally topples over and smashes a handful of ninjas. Yes, it's that awesome. Oh, and by the way, there are explosions. ;)

Eye Candy: Yes, "300" is pure eye candy. This movie offers an amazing visual experience, superior to LOTR. The dim, grainy visual style of the movie never gets old, and gives "300" a unique personality. In addition to the unique visual style, the camera effects were impressive. The battle scenes transitioned from slow-mo to normal-motion seamlessly. Although gory, "300's" violence is highly stylized and isn't realistic in the least bit. To my surprise, the entire movie was filmed in front of a bluescreen. With the exception of a few obviously computer-generated beasts, the movie didn't go overboard on the CGI, and everything looked very realistic. It also has babes and about 2-minutes of nudity for those of you who honestly care.

Lingering Impressions: After walking out of the theater, I felt like squeezing out a couple dozen pushups and a couple hundred situps. I also felt like brutally bludgeoning a few Persians (or anyone else who was in close proximity to me), but I don't feel the need to elaborate on that. All in all, I'd gladly see the movie again. It's the type of movie you definitely want to see on the Big Screen, for sure. Following the movie, I've been entertaining thoughts on what it would be like if America was as militaristic as ancient Sparta was. Awesome. Also, I just now realized that the majority of the movie was filmed in slow-motion, which probably accounts for its length.

Anyway, I give this movie a 20 out of 10. No, I'm not mathematically challenged, this movie just rocked. ""Madness? This is SPARTA!""...


YouTube - A Cure for Low Self-Esteem

 - Brian

Believe it or not, I'm not always the overly-confident narcissist you see before you today. As a matter of fact, I often find myself spiraling uncontrollably towards depression. As a result of depression, I'm frequently unwilling to engage in any creative or productive activities, thus rendering myself completely useless. Of course, this eventually leads to periodic sessions of low self-esteem.
Up until now, I haven't found a way to efficiently conjure up my confidence or creativity while in a depressed state (besides tripping children). Well, thanks to YouTube, things have changed.
Usually when I experience low self-esteem, I tell myself I suck at my various hobbies -- more specifically, guitar. I've been playing since Christmas, and I'm not that bad, honestly. However, depression does strange things to your mind; earlier today, I told myself I was the worst guitar player in the world. I was almost convinced, until I saw these YouTube vids:

1. The "art" of thrash guitar - I admit, I was fooled by the title. I had the impression it was going to be a step-by-step approach to harnessing the demonic powers of THRASH. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a half-ass attempt at mimicking the basic style of thrash guitar. Frankly, this guy sucks. His alternate-picking is weak and slow, and his riffs were lacking the percussive vibe thrash metal is known for. Just recently, I tuned my guitar down to Drop D, enabling me to thrash like I've never thrashed before. Just watching this kid's pathetic attempts to emulate one the evilest styles of guitar ever conceived inflates my ego.

2. Drop D "Fun" - Judging by the title of this submission, one would assume it would be...well, fun to watch. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. This vid was painful to watch. Near the beginning of his "song," it seemed as if he had something going. His little power-chord pattern was almost catchy. Unfortunately for my ears, he decided he would try to improvise, and ended up ruining everything. It's almost as if he was trying to suck. It's also worth noting he messed up some of his power chords, which is almost impossible to do when you're playing in drop D. Haha, LLOOOSSSEEERR!

3. Metal Riffage - Oh boy, mom ----- METAL RIFFAGE! Before I begin my critique of this disaster, let me explain what "metal riffage" implies: 1) A heavy, chunky sound lacking recognizable melody, 2) A sinister feeling characterized by randomly executed arpeggios and clunky power-chords, and 3) manic speed. Unsurprisingly, this video doesn't meet any of the criteria for being metal. First of all, there weren't any randomly execute arpeggios -- that is, most of his notes were slowly played on the 5th and 6th strings. Secondly, it lacked the dark, wicked edge that metal is typically known for. Additionally, it just didn't freakin' sound good. It reminded me of a 50-car pileup, which is awesome to see, but not so awesome to hear. If executed properly, metal is reminiscent of a giant robot wading through molasses. Either that or a speeding runaway bullet train...armed with nuclear weapons. Now that's awesome!

I know what you're thinking: "BRIAN, IF UR SO GOOD WHY DONT U DEMINSTRATE HOW TO PLAY INSTEAD OF REDICULING OTHERS?" Well, if I had a digital camcorder, I'd be more than willing to share the love. Unfortunately, I don't, so you're going have to take my word for it -- I know what I'm talking about.

Now that I'm a rigid narcissist again, I can safely say YouTube is a great way to eradicate any form of low-self esteem. "YouTube - A Cure for Low Self-Esteem"...


Europe Loves Us!

 - Brian

Hey guyth!

Check out Blog Hogger's Cluster Map on the right sidebar -- Europe loves us!

For all you killa' European pimps out there, HEY GUYTH!

How about poppin' a few piping hot European words in the rant box, playa?


( Yes, I am an idiot ). "Europe Loves Us!"...


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