Don't see the millionth Harry Potter movie.

A SELLOUT, that's who. Face it, Mike Jones reeks immensely. He can't even stinking' RAP! I thought the point of being a famous rapper was BEING ABLE TO RHYME!

You know what? I think I'm going to temporarily halt my education and become a famous rapper. Why? Because it's easy. How do I know this? Because Mike Jones is loaded, and Mike Jones happens to be the worst rapper to ever make big bucks. If he can get away with this garbage, then I'm destined to become a rapper.

I can't stand Mike Jones! Just look at him! He's like, retarded!


If I had a penny for every second he was ugly, I could buy the world...with pennies.

What do all these songs have in common? They're all the SAME! They all contain the same "message." Just proves Mike Jones is a megalomaniac. All he raps about is how rich and powerful he is AND PEOPLE STILL BUY IS CRAP! You meaningless, shallow people, don't you see that all he cares about is taking advantage of your money? BLAH! Check this out. This is from is song, "Still Tippin'" (The words inside the []s are my words):

Like do or die I'm po' pimping Car stop rims keep spinning [i'll pimp yo' cawr with a paintball gun, homie]
I'm flipping drop with indvisible tops
Hoes bop when my drop step out [I guess you're too shallow to get real women]
I'm shaking the block with four eighteens'
Candy green with eleven screens
My gasoline always supreme [I'll light your gasoline on fire]
Got do-do the brown with a pint of lean
It takes grinding to be a king [obviously, it doesn't take talent]
It takes grinding to be a king
First Round Draft Picks coming
Who is Mike Jones coming
Slab shining with the grill and woman
Slab shining with the grill and woman
I'm Mike Jones (Who) Mike Jones the one and only you can't clone me [can you say, "self-absorbed?"]

"You can't even clone me?" Sorry, dude, but the minute you released your first album, you were officially branded "Clone." Mike Jones just sounds like everyone else. Rapping about how wealthy they are. Pretentious degenerates. Die.

My friend just emailed this to me. I guess he slightly altered the original image (whatever that was) by placing "liberal" at the top. Anyway, thought the subtle cannibalistic political message was funny...

Want to rebel against the new "twisted" "norms" teenhood? Good. Here's a list of things you need to do to accomplish this daunting task.

Don't get a MySpace Every teen I talk now has a MySpace. Frankly, I honestly couldn't care less. Blogger's way better.

Be Judgmental It's easy. You should try it. I've been judging for so long, that I'm generally right every time I judge someone. Don't listen to what your PC freakshow friends tell you, judging rules.

Maintain a slightly homophobic attitude "But Brian, gay kids are so funny!" Ever hear that one? Yeah, I guess that's the newest and most popular stance on gay kids (or at least the kids who act gay). After all, someone's 'sexual orientation' obviously makes him or her funnier. Whatever.

Don't own a cellphone This will probably make you a complete and utter lame-arse, but it would still be fun to tell everyone that you hate cellphones and think they're gay.

Don't own an Ipod Ipods suck. They're just a new expensive trend that will die out in a couple of months. Why spend a hundred bucks on something that won't even last that long? Trust me, Ipods aren't that cool (unless I can get one for under $15, I ain't gonna own one). Instead, haul around a giant boom box with all your CDs in your backpack. That would be awesome.

Don't do drugs Drugs are retarded. Getting high is for meaningless morons who have nothing better to do. That's why it's important to maintain a fun hobby. For instance, I put barbed wire in candy and then sell it to 3rd graders. Nothing is more gratifying. Oooohhhh.

Smoke Every teen I meet now as been brainwashed by the endless waves of antismoke ads. Therefore, to be ultimately rebellious, smoke in public.

Don't listen hip-hop Hip-Hop is dead. The only current rappers are sellouts that suck horribly at rapping (*cough* *cough* Mike Jones *cough* *cough*). Instead, listen to Run-DMC and old school Dre.

Keep your virginity until you're married You have to be the ultimate man/women to pull this one off.

Just a couple ways to counter the "norms" of teenhood (at least in the North West).
If you have anything you would like to add, just enter away in the comment boxes.

"They take out their pent-up frustrations on cheap plates at the Anger Altar in the back yard and turn the broken shards into a mosaic walkway. They've created Tibetan prayer flags for the victims of Hurricane Katrina that whip in the wind from the roof and collage icons commemorating Dia de los Muertos that line the fireplace mantel. They celebrate all the Christian holidays, but they also observe Jewish holidays, the solstices and the equinox."

( Author's note: art in Fremont, for lack of a better word, looks like crap )

Now, then. Looking at this, I try to find some chunks of true devotion, you know, give credit where credit is due. The result: nuttin'. Instead of talking about God, they decide to trash every ecclesiastical institution but theirs as being to "consevative" or "closed-minded" or some other buzzword that basically means "Everybody's intolerant but us! nyah, nyah, nyah!" Which is, in itself, mighty intolerant.

Will somebody explain the "Anger Altar" in the back? Are they trying to say something like "Gee, God, I'm frustrated. So I'm going to give my feelings paramount importance, shove you to the side, beat some cheap plates to death, form a kewl mosaic walkway, and then feel really pleased with myself."??? Im namen de Himmel, Dummkopfin! Sorry.

"[Rachelle Mee-Chapman's] house is a relaxed sanctuary where humor punctuates conversation, where people can talk about Anne Rice and her conversion from goth writing to God writing. Where members can sip a bottle of brew while they have a soup supper with Communion. Where they can joke about Jesus Christ action-figures [sic] and stickers at Archie McPhee or how some people see their Day of the Dead collages as a slippery slope toward idol worship -- and not be struck down by the wrath of the righteous."

Yay. They have a "right" to change truth based on a majority vote. Not to deviate from the subject, but that doesn't make logical sense.

" 'It's really fun to stop fearing learning from other faiths and embrace the truths they carry,' [Rachelle] said. "

Righhht. Pay no attention to the fact that the said religions contradict each other more than english grammar does!

I hope that you'll read the actual article, although I don't have the time to refute every inconsistency in it. At the end, the P-I puts a multistep plan to build a "generous 'soul-care' community" basically it says to try any and everything and don't you DARE to be "rigid". The large assortments of relativists that run the place do indeed expect you to believe one spiritual truth. The truth that truth does not exist.

(author's note: the monkfishers have a website at tuesdaypm.org. It has a pretty bad layout)

Go here to find out how stupid you really are.

Your IQ score is 127

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Your Intellectual Type is Precision Processor. This means you're exceptionally good at discovering quick solutions to problems, especially ones that involve math or logic. You're also resourceful and able to think on your feet. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.



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Yo. Thanks to my dear friend Steve M and his famizzle, I was able to test out the Xbox 360 at Microsoft.

Un-freakin'-believable.