For one thing, it was too long. I’m serious. No superhero movie should be more than two hours long. This one was around the vicinity of 5 hours. Yeah, that long…
I came to the movie expecting it to be less impressive that Batman Begins,
and left wondering why I participated in this crap-fest.
The premise of the movie is basically about the dawning of the Fantastic Four
– that is, how the Fantastic Four dealt with their newly acquired super-powers.
That’s the whole movie in a nutshell.
Not dissuaded from seeing it yet? Don’t worry; once you’ve read my review of this fantastic bore, you’ll be thankful you didn’t see it.
I’ll be honest: the movie was boring. It took around 38 minutes for the
Fantastic Four to discover their super-abilities. And then it takes another
2 hours before they fight any sort of threat.
Trust me, the Fantastic Four weren’t all that fantastic in this movie
anyway. The overall percentage of the movie was Johnny Torch insulting The Thing
and Mr. Fantastic scribbling complex math equations on a whiteboard.
Just try to imagine MTV’s Real Life (or whatever the bleep it’s
called) and stick a bunch of genetically mutated freaks in it. There you have
it.
After contemplating this horrific disaster, I have come to a startling conclusion: The Fantastic Four weren’t heroes -- at all. The only city-related catastrophe they dealt with was caused by them. And then they were rewarded for rescuing the people THEY ENDANGERED! What kind of message is that sending to our kids? Seriously, now…
Something else that bugged me about this movie was the character design. I’ve never been a fan of the Fantastic Four hero design, so seeing it on the big screen didn’t help. Seriously, Johnny Torch? Mr. Fantastic? THE THING? What the -?
I have to admit; I was, for the most part, impressed with the character design of The Thing. I mean, really, what ingenious intellect could of thought of combining a superhero with a turd?
Please…
Besides the stupid superheroes and boring plot, I found a series of inconsistencies in the movie. For instance, at the last big (and only!) battle with Doctor Claw (or whatever his name was), The Invisible Women couldn’t seem to hold back a couple hundred volts of electricity with her energy shield. But shortly after, she contained a supernova.
All in all, this movie sucked. Don’t see it, I beg of you. Take it from
me, this movie stinks. Save your money and buy my new rap CD that I’ll
be releasing in the near future.